5 Ways to Get Your Woman in the Mood WHILE Your Kids Are In the Room AND She’s Making Dinner

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I played a trick on you. This title was written for a man, but the article is totally for the ladies. Really it’s for everyone.

Let’s set the stage:

It’s the witching hour. You (mama) have just started dinner. About 12 or so (maybe it was 24, you lost count) kids just came flying through your house, with balls and nerf guns or Barbie cars (maybe all of that), they raided the refrigerator, pantry, left all the cabinet doors open, tracked in 7 truckloads of dirt (and the floors juuuuuust were mopped earlier), someone is bleeding just enough for droplets to be smeared in a trail behind them, there’s maybe crying somewhere? (maybe one of yours?), the school just called asking you to volunteer to be in charge of ___________ Fundraiser (‘cause everyone wants that job and of course you said yes. shit.), and the dog just threw up on your brand new living room rug. The old Calgon Take Me Away commercial suddenly pops into your mind.

Then, (enter bad 1970s porn music) your partner slinks into the room, fresh from work. He cozy’s up behind you as tears run down your sweaty, red face from the onion you are slicing with a LARGE knife. He acts like he’s reaching for something and he places himself directly behind you, puts his hands on your hips and starts humping you like an overgrown-not-yet-fixed-puppy. But not nearly as cute. And there’s a little slobber.

For the love of everything holy….NOW????? Still holding the large knife you spin around like a rabid beast, with glaring hot eyes and dart him a look that would burn a hole through steel. And maybe there’s a little slobber. Of course you know he’s just playing, but does this look like a good time to you? Ugh. He backs off, hurt, wounded and pissed. You go back to chopping, hurt, wounded, and pissed.

Now, this has NEVER happened to me. I’ve only heard stories from friends that this sort of thing might happen to SOME people. {clears throat}

Here are a few very practical tips to keep the passion in your relationship alive and safe, despite knives, puke, tears, anger, mud, Nerf weapons and 12 or 24 running children:

Realize how fortunate you are that these children feel safe enough to treat your home like a playground. I’m serious. Floors can be mopped. Rugs can be cleaned. There will be a day when those children are driving around in cars. Away from you. And your house will be quiet. Love them up as hard as you can. Offer them popsicles INSIDE the house and put band-aids on those boo-boos. Listen to them laughing. Watch their freedom. Chop your onion slow and steady. Wipe those tears and appreciate that moment like it will never happen again. Because it won’t. When he comes up behind you, instead of thinking, “What the fuck?” try thinking, “Wow. We created this loud, busy, crazy magic together. We did good. Thank you babe.” Just give him a little, tiny, discreet twerk, a wink and go back to chopping. That’s all he’s asking for. It may give you some ideas for a private dance later.

2.  If twerking isn’t your thing, then stop what you’re doing and turn to him. Look him in the eyes, put your hands on his shoulders. Calmly, with as much purr as you can muster say, “Wow. Thanks for the love up. I’d love that attention a little later. But right now, do you mind helping me with dinner?” I bet he says yes. Or at least feels appreciated and validated for what in HIS mind was a gesture of love, and will kindly let you finish your job in peace. No hurt, no wounds, and nobody’s pissed. Then ask for that attention later. This is important, or he won’t trust you. Even if you’re tired and ready to go to sleep, push through and allow yourself to be loved. Bask in the pleasure. Remember, that’s the fun part.

3.  Set your own stage. If you know this is a time when it’s possible for the above scenario to occur, light some candles (my go to for everything), listen to your favorite music or podcast (for God’s sake do NOT have the TV on!), and maybe even have a little meditation or quiet time before entering Hell’s Kitchen. I promise this makes a difference. Change the perception of this time from chaos, to fun and pleasure. Dance party in the kitchen! This will make you more open to and desiring of fun and pleasure later.

4.  After dinner, ask your family to clean up while you go take a bath. They are capable. Even if it doesn’t get done EXACTLY the way you prefer, and the dishwasher is loaded all wrong…It. Doesn’t. Matter. Take your candles and your music and run a hot bath. Put on your favorite lotion or oil. Maybe have some dark chocolate. Again, a few minutes of stillness. Send a sexy to text to your partner and ask for their presence. Appreciate your body for all it does for you. Love yourself. Then go love someone else.

5. This is an inside job. How you view anything is how you view everything. If you see this time as a complete cluster, disaster, stressful, anxious time, then guess what. That’s exactly what it will be. Your kids will feel it. Your guy will feel it. And nobody will want to be around you. Loosen up. Lighten up. Have fun. Take control of your kitchen, your time, your divine feminine and your life. The more playful and connected you can be while there are kids ripping through your house and a man humping you while you chop onions, the more joy and lightness and fun and passion you can employ throughout your life.

And isn’t that the point?

 

Angie ByrdAngie Byrd works with women who are looking to create extraordinary results in their personal and professional lives. She stands in partnership with her clients, leading them to see themselves in new and profound ways, opening possibilities for a life of intense meaning, deep relationships and wild success. A Certified Integrative Nutrition Coach, a Certified Transformational Life Coach, and training in Transcendental Meditation, Angie has spent over ten years studying some of the top minds in personal development and transformation. 


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